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The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh
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cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and
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impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the
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body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his
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senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.
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--Bob Perry, Milton, MA
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1997 Grand Prize Winner
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The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor,
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Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and
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twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot
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where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus
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ending her life.
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-- Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, VA
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Other 1997 Results
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Runner-Up
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It all started when that rich SOB John Paul Getty commissioned me to create the world's largest ice sculpture,
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not that I didn't realize the challenges involved, but it wasn't until months later when the iceberg, carved into the
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shape of a mammoth voluptuous nude, hove into view off Newfoundland that the uproar started, and even later,
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after the interviews in People Magazine and my appearance on Oprah, that I was forced to concede defeat and hire
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the Knitter's League, who were still crocheting away as my rapidly melting masterpiece was towed into New York
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harbor, the six hundred and sixty-six knitters still desperately looping lengths of videotape, linkin' Getty's berg a
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dress.
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--Dan Rubin, Prince Rupert, British Columbia
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Winner: Fantasy
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Prince Oryza's determined, handsome countenance was reflected in the gleaming, polished steel of his sword,
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Gowayoff, as he hewed valiantly at the armored sides of the dragon, which could only be pierced by gleaming,
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polished steel and not the regular kind of steel, which doesn't gleam as much, and isn't polished quite as well, but
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does a pretty good job against your smaller dragons.
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--J. N. Pechota, Dulzura, CA
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Winner: Western
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No one in Cisco City dared to question Jake Lattimer about the disappearance of neighbor Jones's hogs, not
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only because Jake was the best sheriff the town had ever seen, but also because his was the only dental parlor in
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the territory where a man could buy himself a decent set of slightly-used false teeth.
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--Mary Clare, Austin, TX
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Runner-Up: Western
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Once upon a time, before men were boys, before guns were toys, and before music was noise, there was a
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dude ranch peopled by only the most virile of males, except for Mama, who had, of course, clasped each of them to
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her ample bosoms, and therein lies our story.
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--Chuck Myer, Colfax, CA
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Winner: Romance
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He stood looking at her, seductively naked except for bra and a pair of pants, the smile on her face
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come-hitherish and inviting, but all he could think was, "Why are they called a pair of pants, much better English if
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it were a pair of bras and a pant?"
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--Jan Bundesen, Duncraig, Western Australia
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Runner-Up: Romance
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Veronica had had little experience of treachery when she first arrived in Paris, so when Jean-Luc left her in
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the Rive Gauche with only a Bic and a bock and a broken clock she was somewhat surprised.
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--Juliette Hughes, Northcote, Victoria, Australia
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Winner: Science Fiction
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The cells divided at an alarming rate as Dr. Bob gasped in amazement and told his lovely blond but intelligent
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assistant, "Eureka! this is really neat, a baby monster is now growing in our hi-tech, whiz-bang laboratory--I wonder
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if our hi-tech, whiz-bam containment field will contain this new, monstrous really ugly, man-eating being so it can't
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get out and destroy the world when it gets real big."
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--Robert D. Stottle, Jr., Huntsville, AL
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Winner: Adventure
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It was, presumably, Dr. Livingstone who emerged into the clearing from the dense rain forest beyond,
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although it was difficult to tell for certain just WHO it was beneath the layers of leeches clinging to his limbs, the
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spiders covering the surface of his sun helmet, the bounty of bugs on his body, and the multitude of mites crawling
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on everything from his Mont Blanc pen to his machete though, as he had recently employed the latter in hacking his
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way through the jungle while he had long abandoned his diary, the pen was somewhat mitier than the sword.
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--Jan Wolitzky, Madison, NJ
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Winner: Detective
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With the last rays of sunshine silhouetting her slim form, and the still smoking pistol clutched in her trembling
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right hand, Cora knelt beside the body at her feet, only to be brought up short by the sudden awareness of that
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unmistakable creeping-insect-like feeling of a run ripping up the back of her left stocking.
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--Marcia E. Brown, Austin, TX
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Runner-Up: Detective
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As Lt. James "Jocko" Flannery methodically surveyed the freshly sketched chalk outline on the oily
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pavement with his steel-blue eyes, his mind wandered to that night's poker game--jeez, he had forgotten to pick up
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the Macanudos--because that's what happens when you fight your way up from street cop to Chief of Homicide in
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the City with Big Shoulders: you stop being angry; you've seen too many cheap hits, too many gutless punks, and
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too many brazen calling cards like the one over there--a wad of peppermint chewing gum clinging to the gutter that
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told him everything he needed to know--that little blond brat from around the corner had maliciously scribbled this
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pink hopscotch thing on his newly sealed driveway.
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--Robert A. Perry, Milton, MA
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Winner: Purple Prose
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"This is the end," Alfalfa sobbed, clutching at her heaving bosom and pausing only occasionally to scratch her
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itching left armpit while her sapphire eyes, brimming with salty tears, turned helplessly towards the gibbous moon
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that hung in the brooding sky like a tobacco-stained nail paring.
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--Niki Wessels, Centurion, South Africa
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Runner-Up: Purple Prose
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It was the last of times, it was the first of times, it was the age of intelligence, it was the age of the
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intellectually challenged, it was the epoch of reality, it was the epoch of insanity, it was the season of Salt, it was the
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season of Pepper, it was the spring of health, it was the winter of the flu, it was a period when a bunch of really
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opposite things were being compared.
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--Sarah Marks, Grand Prairie, TX
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Dishonorable Mentions: Purple Prose
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Day broke like an enormous egg cracking over the rim of the great, jagged-edged bowl of the Grand Canyon,
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its bright yellow yolk of sunshine pouring runnily into every crag and crevice, suffusing the early morning air with
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the same ocherous brilliance as it had for millennia while the mighty Colorado River cuts its way to the stratum of
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the present valley floor.
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--Mary Christensson, San Mateo, CA
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